Julius Caesar Unimpressed with Caesar’s Palace, Denied Room Comps
NOT AP WIRE - LAS VEGAS
1/25/07
Las Vegas may be known for outrageous sights and all manners of celebrity, but when former Roman emperor Julius Caesar descended upon the city of sin, Vegas was caught off-guard.
Local eyewitnesses reported that Caesar, and what appeared to be a sizeable percentage of the 104th Roman Army, arrived at Caesar’s Palace sometime around 1 PM. According to Caesar’s Palace receptionist Tammy Reid, Caesar was not pleased with the Hotel/Casino.
“I was helping a couple from Arizona check into their room when two flaming arrows flew in, killing the poor couple. I looked up, and a King-looking-guy was pounding on my desk. He was real loud, and though I couldn’t understand him, I got the impression he didn’t like the hotel.”
After Caesar called for a translator to assist him, problems only intensified.
“His translator told me that this was Julius Caesar, and he didn’t like how we were using his name at a second-tier Hotel/Casino. I tried to explain that with our recent remodel and limitless luxury shopping, our resort was one of the finest in Las Vegas. However, Caesar’s translator said that the King was aware of the remodel, and found it unsatisfactory.”
Tension mounted when Caesar demanded free rooms for himself and his army, including meal and limousine comps.
“I mean,” Reid explained “even if I was allowed to do that, I couldn’t. He had about 10,000 men, all needing rooms and limousines. Even on several months notice, I’m not sure we could have accommodated that. Also, it was about this time that the front desk started receiving complaints that some of the infantrymen were raping some of the bar staff.”
From his press release, Caesar explained, “I do apologize for some, but not all, of the raping and pillaging. Keep in mind how disappointing it is to travel 2,000 years and 12,000 miles, only to find your name attached to a shitty hotel that baby-boomers visit because they’re too dumb to know any better. What kind of mood would that put you in?”
After Reid asked Caesar to take his army out to the pool while she talked to her manager, local news picked up on the story and descended upon the hotel. At the advice of his lawyer, Caesar read from a prepared statement as the written press release was distributed.
Caesar, on stage without an interpreter, bellowed “Semper ubi sub ubi,” which elicited chuckles from his army. He then made the double-peace sign like former U.S. President Richard Nixon, and walked off towards the high-stakes blackjack tables.
A quick translation from Latin revealed Caesar said “Always wear underwear.”
Caesar, denied a series of $500,000 markers by a cadre of Caesar’s Palace pit bosses, stormed backed to the front desk, where he rented a party bus for him and his closest lieutenants. After a short wait, where Caesar downed seven Grapefruit Martinis and enjoyed a Caesar Salad, the party bus arrived. Incensed by the lack of royalty checks he received on a salad named after him, he yelled at the driver to “Take us to the Fucking Bellagio!”
The rest of the army, at press time, has remained at Caesar’s Palace. While reports are sketchy, it appears as if they have cordoned off the upper floors, demanding free room service and private escorts. In talks with police, they requested that all women with “an appreciation of history and an open mind” come to visit. They added, “No fatties.”
Celine Dion, performing at Caesar’s Palace, was unavailable for comment. But seriously, who cares what she thinks?
1/25/07
Las Vegas may be known for outrageous sights and all manners of celebrity, but when former Roman emperor Julius Caesar descended upon the city of sin, Vegas was caught off-guard.
Local eyewitnesses reported that Caesar, and what appeared to be a sizeable percentage of the 104th Roman Army, arrived at Caesar’s Palace sometime around 1 PM. According to Caesar’s Palace receptionist Tammy Reid, Caesar was not pleased with the Hotel/Casino.
“I was helping a couple from Arizona check into their room when two flaming arrows flew in, killing the poor couple. I looked up, and a King-looking-guy was pounding on my desk. He was real loud, and though I couldn’t understand him, I got the impression he didn’t like the hotel.”
After Caesar called for a translator to assist him, problems only intensified.
“His translator told me that this was Julius Caesar, and he didn’t like how we were using his name at a second-tier Hotel/Casino. I tried to explain that with our recent remodel and limitless luxury shopping, our resort was one of the finest in Las Vegas. However, Caesar’s translator said that the King was aware of the remodel, and found it unsatisfactory.”
Tension mounted when Caesar demanded free rooms for himself and his army, including meal and limousine comps.
“I mean,” Reid explained “even if I was allowed to do that, I couldn’t. He had about 10,000 men, all needing rooms and limousines. Even on several months notice, I’m not sure we could have accommodated that. Also, it was about this time that the front desk started receiving complaints that some of the infantrymen were raping some of the bar staff.”
From his press release, Caesar explained, “I do apologize for some, but not all, of the raping and pillaging. Keep in mind how disappointing it is to travel 2,000 years and 12,000 miles, only to find your name attached to a shitty hotel that baby-boomers visit because they’re too dumb to know any better. What kind of mood would that put you in?”
After Reid asked Caesar to take his army out to the pool while she talked to her manager, local news picked up on the story and descended upon the hotel. At the advice of his lawyer, Caesar read from a prepared statement as the written press release was distributed.
Caesar, on stage without an interpreter, bellowed “Semper ubi sub ubi,” which elicited chuckles from his army. He then made the double-peace sign like former U.S. President Richard Nixon, and walked off towards the high-stakes blackjack tables.
A quick translation from Latin revealed Caesar said “Always wear underwear.”
Caesar, denied a series of $500,000 markers by a cadre of Caesar’s Palace pit bosses, stormed backed to the front desk, where he rented a party bus for him and his closest lieutenants. After a short wait, where Caesar downed seven Grapefruit Martinis and enjoyed a Caesar Salad, the party bus arrived. Incensed by the lack of royalty checks he received on a salad named after him, he yelled at the driver to “Take us to the Fucking Bellagio!”
The rest of the army, at press time, has remained at Caesar’s Palace. While reports are sketchy, it appears as if they have cordoned off the upper floors, demanding free room service and private escorts. In talks with police, they requested that all women with “an appreciation of history and an open mind” come to visit. They added, “No fatties.”
Celine Dion, performing at Caesar’s Palace, was unavailable for comment. But seriously, who cares what she thinks?
posted by Spencer at 1:45 PM
2 Comments:
Wow. That's crazy. I wonder if the producers of HBO's "Rome" are interested in shooting an episode in Vegas, with the real live Caesar? Wait, damn it, they already killed him on the show. Crap. That could've been good. Really good.
you should submit that to the Onion. It sounds like it came straight from their site. nice work spencer.
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