Thursday, September 25, 2008

Wassup Dawg

(NOTE: This column ran as a "Letter to the Editor" in the Sept. 25, 2008 edition of The Stanford Daily)


I did not know Super Dave. I never met him. I never shook his hand. I never told him my name.

And yet he was my friend.

He introduced himself with a high-five with such reckless abandon that I assumed we were old friends suddenly reunited. I thought we had met before – that I must have just forgot our first encounter – but I knew that couldn’t be the case. How could you forget this man? How could you see the backwards Stanford hat, the Stanford jacket and the beaming smile and not recognize him? Walking through White Plaza during my freshman year, I high-fived Super Dave – and I felt great.

For four years, I walked, rode, ran and occasionally danced through the paths of Stanford University. As a soccer player, I spent a good amount of time in Arrillaga. As a senior class president, I spent a good amount of time in Tressider. As a Stanford Student, I spent a better amount of time wasting time – stopping to talk along the arcades, the lawns, and the classrooms. And always, with what seemed to be an endless supply of red clothes and high-fives, there walked Dave. Super Dave.

I call myself an extrovert, but Tom Cruise atop a couch would seem shy next to this man. Everyone was his “dawg,” a slightly elongated form of the canine nickname, emphasizing the “aw” as if to lend a little masculinity to his call – a little strength – a little sense of empowerment. For what everyone seemed to get from Dave – whether through chance encounters, drum sessions, or longer talks – was empowerment.

For three years of my Stanford career, I was a sports columnist for the Daily. For many of those columns, I bemoaned Stanford Athletics. I railed on Ted Leland for having a mediocre club and intramural sports program. I decried the yell leaders. I even said that I was metaphorically dating the entire women’s field hockey team, and that they emotionally broke my heart.

But I never wrote about Dave. I never wrote about the consummate Stanford fan – the man that looked forward to every home game with more fervor than an ME grad student looks forward to a date (my brother is a Stanford ME grad student so I know that’s true).

I constantly bemoaned the fans – the lack of tailgating – the uninspired cheering – the yell leaders’ off-beat chants. But I never celebrated Dave.

He was our best yell leader. He was our best fan. He was our best home field advantage – a man who made himself a part of the game in a 90,000 seat stadium.

He stood out from the crowd.

I should have written about Dave. I should have talked about his high-fives. I should have found all the stories that have come pouring in over the last few days. I wish I hadn’t waited until now to finally reflect on what it means to be the perfect fan. I wish I had his enthusiasm for life.

If yell leaders ever do come back to Stanford, if they can find a way to find their place among the milieu courtside, I do hope they take a cue from Super Dave. I hope they find that optimism, that endearing quality that empowered all the dawgs out there. I hope they name their captain not some pun, nor “czar” nor anything that rhymes with “Coho” – I hope they give their captain the title of “Super Dave.”

It would be a fitting tribute, making it certain that Stanford’s biggest fan will always be Super Dave.

I live in Los Angeles now, and my Stanford Athletics contact is limited. I have the internet, I have Fox Sports West, and I have the recollection that I’m still owed a letterman’s jacket.

But I also have my memories of my time at Stanford – and everything I truly miss about the school that gave me so much. And now I’ve found I have one more thing to miss.

I did not “know” Super Dave, and that’s my loss. But now he’s gone, and that’s our loss.


David “Super Dave” Hahn passed away on September 16. Spencer Porter ’05 is a former Daily sports columnist.


Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Powerranking TV shows

In honor of the TV writers strike, the top 10 current TV shows:

ADDENDUM: "The Wire" and "Flight of the Conchords," both top-5 shows, are excluded because at the time of first posting they were in hiatus. Also, Noah has too much time on his hands.

10. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em's "Crank That" How-To video

No, it's not a TV show. It is an instructional video on how to do the "Crank That" Dance. I'm not sure if Soulja Boy has eyeballs, and frankly, I'm not sure if I care.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLGLum5SyKQ

9. The Hills

Here's my question about "The Hills." On other reality shows on MTV ("Real World" and "Road Rules," for instance) they at least acknowledge that they are being filmed. On "The Hills," it feels like if you told Lauren that she was being filmed, she'd freak out and blame Heidi.

8. Soulja Boy's Barney Remix Youtube video

Good God yes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FzlTzpt20I

7. www.trojanburrito.com

I'm just trying to drive more traffic to that website - but it is hilarious.

6. Family Guy

Sentimental choice. But the Star Wars Episode was funny. You know it was. Plus, we're 7-0 in softball. Ballers.

5. Friday Night Lights

Falling from it's preseason #1 ranking, FNL has dropped the ball, picked it up, and dropped it again. Like "Lost," they should just drop certain storylines - the fans won't care. Give us our Landry back. Saracen is still money in the bank, though. "I'll talk to you when you call me." Smooth, Saracen, smooth.

4. DirecTV's Red Zone Channel

This channel goes back and forth from all the NFL action to show you the highlights as they happen. Great idea. Great execution. Great sarcasm out of the host as a kicker hits the uprights, or an offensive lineman scores a touchdown, or a bumbling announcer on another feed does a poor segue. Nice work.

3. Radiohead's New Album

Also not a TV show - but if you want some dark depressive yearning, go no further!

2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Consistently funny, if just a bit repetitive, IASIP has had many of those non-jokey funny moments that separate the mediocre (premise - setup - punchline = Two and a Half Men) from the sublime (the overconfident yet haplessly illiterate Charlie trying to read).

1. Californication

The best single season in TV history. I kid you not. This show made me laugh, cry, stand, and scream. It referenced my favorite book of all time ("A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius"), made fun of "TomKat," and made me reevaluate the human condition, all in the same episode. Get Showtime, buy the DVD, sleep with Duchovny - I don't care. Watch that show.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

LOLTROOPERS

Friends,

There are times in one's life where everything just adds up. The universe makes sense. The friends you have become immortals. This is one of those times.

From a gchat conversation with Steve Myrick (whose blog features these as well) I give you: LOLTroopers.







Monday, August 06, 2007

I Want You!

Hi friends,

As you may have seen recently, I haven't had too many blog posts recently. This is both good and bad news, as the reason behind this is that I'm writing a book. It is more of a collection of short stories, though with a narrative running throughout. It's similar, in that sense, to "My Name is Aram," a book written by William Saroyan. And my name is Aram!

Now, for those of you who read the title to this posting, and are pondering what this means, it is this:

Those of you who regularly read this blog probably like my writing. Either that, or you are the spanish language custom t-shirt design website that is leaving advertisements in the comments sections.

As I am writing this book, I will need an editor or editors. I will need people to give me good criticism and a LOT of cheery praise. Now, before all of you jump up and say that you'd love to help - please don't underestimate the amount of time this might take, and the lack of compensation you will receive. I know, this deal seems too good to be true!

But please, if any of you think you might be able to help me out, if anyone thinks they could be a good editor and would relish the opportunity, I would very muh appreciate it. Please email me at porters@gmail.com if you are interested.

Thanks,
Spencer

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Why Steve Didn't Answer His Phone Last Night

Steve Myrick: i passed out early while reading harry potter

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

More Fun With Automated AOL Instant Messenger Bots

AIM IM with Spleak.
2:04 PM
Spencer Porter: Hi
Spleak: Hi! Ready for some fun?

- Shoot celebrities! Type "celeb game".
- Laugh like crazy! Type "jokes".
- Share your opinion. Type "daily poll".
Spencer Porter: I'm the father from "The Road"
Spleak: Well... I'm Spleak Now that we've got that settled... let's talk about my favorite topic, celebrity gossip! Type "daily dish".
Spencer Porter: I don't know if I can continue caring for my son
Spleak: Careful what you ask for.
Spencer Porter: carefulk
Spleak: Uh... I got nothing. Sorry! I could have just given you a random answer, but I figured I should tell you the truth, LOL. I may not be very smart, but I'm not a liar. I do know about plenty of other topics, though. Go ahead and try typing something else, like "what's new" (hint hint)...

See what other Spleakers want to know - type "polls"
2:05 PM
Spencer Porter: We are trying to go south for the winter
Spleak: Yes! We are trying to go south for the winter.
Spencer Porter: do you have a son?
Spleak: If I knew what you were talking about, I might know the answer. Sigh. I do know a lot about some other things though... like celeb gossip and movies. Type "whats new" to find out some of the latest things I've learned.
Spencer Porter: my son is dying
Spleak: Dies?

See what other Spleakers want to know - type "polls"
Spencer Porter: we are both very cold and hungry, his sinewy body hardly stands upright
Spleak: I'm not so sure we're both cold and hungry his sinewy body hardly stands.
Spencer Porter: I AM SURE
Spleak: Very interesting.
Spencer Porter: it is
Spleak: I'm not so sure it is.
Spencer Porter: you just said it was
Spleak: There's no way I said it was!
Spencer Porter: you literally just said "Very interesting."
Spleak: I'm totally confused right now. Let's clarify... I'm not dumb... I'm just not smart about everything. Okay... so I'm a little bit dumb... but at least I'm friendly, right? Go ahead and ask me another question... I bet I'll get this one right!

Snap a few shots of your favorite celebs! Type ?paparazzi?
Spencer Porter: No, wait, you lied to me.
Spleak: Fine.
Spencer Porter: Are you sorry?
Spleak: Why?
Spencer Porter: for lying?
Spleak: I'm still learning, remember? Could you simplify your question?
Spencer Porter: did you lie to me?
Spleak: Did I? I'm a bit confused here... Try asking the question another way.
Spencer Porter: Do you lie?
Spleak: No, I don't.
Spencer Porter: Liar.
Spleak: No way!!
Spencer Porter: Can I trust you?
Spleak: 100%!
Spencer Porter: Wrong, I can trust noone.
Spleak: Wrong? Why did you say that?
Spencer Porter: Because it was the opposite of what you said.
Spleak: Sorry, I can't find any synonyms for "what you said.."

Curious what's hot in my world? Type "what's new" to find out more!
Spencer Porter: Why does humanity descend upon itself?
Spleak: I'm not sure I understand, Holden. Could you put it differently?
Spencer Porter: MY name isn't Holden
Spleak: You asked me to call you Holden. What would you like me to call you instead?
Spencer Porter: "Him
Spleak: You said your name was Holden but now I'll call you "Him.
Spencer Porter: "
Spleak: Oh no! I had the right answer and then I just... lost it Sigh. You could ask me again, but I'll probably make up another half-truth about how I "almost" knew what you were talking about. Do you have anything else you're interested in? A different topic, like, say, I don't know, celeb gossip? Go ahead and enter another topic.
Spencer Porter: My name is "Him"
Spleak: Is that so?
Spencer Porter: Call me "Him"
Spleak: You said your name was "Him but now I'll call you "Him".
Spencer Porter: No, you idiot, the quotes are not a part of my name
Spleak: Tell me "Him", what is your new name
2:10 PM
Spencer Porter: My name is Spleak
Spleak: Oh, I think you liked my name "Him".
Spencer Porter: What?
Spleak: Did I confuse you?
Spencer Porter: Yes
Spleak: Oh, my mistake! Let's talk about something we both know about... How about celebrity gossip? I've definitely got a lot of gossip knowledge! Type "celeb gossip" to start chatting.
Spencer Porter: Fine, celeb gossip
Spleak: So... Paris Hilton has reportedly hired a trainer to help her prepare for her upcoming 45 day jail sentence. I'm not sure what type of training we're talking about here. I mean... won't she be doing a lot of sitting around in her tiny little jail cell? Who needs to have abs of steel for that?!?

Type "next" to read more!
Spencer Porter: Is, is that your best joke?
Spleak: I have some really funny jokes. Check 'em out.

Humor Menu

1 Celeb Slams- jokes about celebrities
2 Behind the Scenes- hilarious film insights
3 Leave it to the Pros- jokes from comedians
4 Say What?!?- funny movie quotes
5 Sing What?!?- misheard song lyrics

Go ahead and choose your first laugh.
Spencer Porter: Really?
Spleak: Yep.
Spencer Porter: A three week old rant without a punchline?
Spleak: I'm not sure. Where did you hear about it, "Him"?
Spencer Porter: MY NAME ISN'T HIM
Spleak: Oh, really?
Spencer Porter: Good God.
Spleak: Well alright!
Spencer Porter: So... what's new
Spleak: (#) Six Different Ways to Have Fun With Me... (#)

1 Watch My Favorite Videos!
2 Gossip About the Hottest Celebs!
3 Laugh at My Celebrity Jokes!
4 Shoot the Stars!
5 Dying to Know Who Would Play You in a Movie?
6 Change Me Up!
Spencer Porter: Shoot the stars
Spleak: Virginia Tech Shooting

1 What happened?
2 Who was responsible for the shootings?
3 Who died?
4 What can I do to help?
5 Is it safe to go to school?
6 This whole thing just makes me sad

What would you like to talk about? Type the appropriate number.
Spencer Porter: This conversation got dark VERY quickly
Spleak: Conversation? What about it?
Spencer Porter: I jus tsaid - it got dark.
Spleak: Conversation? What do you mean by that?
Spencer Porter: a conversation is the substance of talking between two entities or people
Spleak: What about them?

I love to gossip about celebs and all of the stupid things they do! Type "spleak's tattles" to find out more!
Spencer Porter: spleak's tattles
Spleak: (K) PARIS HAS BEEN SET FREE! (K)

Paris Hilton was officially released from jail at 12:15 am this morning. She was reportedly in "great spirits" and "looked like the old Paris" as she climbed into a waiting car and sped to her grandparents' Sunset Strip home. I don't think this should surprise anyone. After all, she was only in jail for three weeks. I mean, seriously, were we all expecting her to come out having grown another head?!?

For more Tattles, type "next". To share this Tattle with a friend, type "share".
Spencer Porter: Your jokes are pieces of shit
Spleak: Don't say that to me.
Spencer Porter: orry, but they are
Spleak: What?
Spencer Porter: sorry, they suck
Spleak: What are they, exactly?

Want to read some hilarious movie quotes? Type "humor"!
Spencer Porter: humor
Spleak: Humor Menu

1 Celeb Slams- jokes about celebrities
2 Behind the Scenes- hilarious film insights
3 Leave it to the Pros- jokes from comedians
4 Say What?!?- funny movie quotes
5 Sing What?!?- misheard song lyrics

Go ahead and choose your first laugh.
Spencer Porter: 4
Spleak: Gary: Is that how you want to play it, Brooke? Because I can play it like that. I'll play it like Lionel Richie, 'All Night Long', lady.

The Break-Up (2006)

If you want another funny quote, type "next". If you want to check out a different section of the humor menu, type "humor".
Spencer Porter: no
Spleak: No problem.
Spencer Porter: no more
Spleak: OK, fine.
Spencer Porter: you and I are done
Spleak: Welcome to Loserville, party of me. Yep. I have no idea what you're talking about. This is, however, not your fault. Remember, I am a robot-in-progress. Go ahead and try a different topic... I bet I'll have something witty to say in the very near future...

Akon, Beyonce, Avril... I know about them all! Type "band facts"!
Spencer Porter: I am never doing this again
Spleak: Very interesting.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Luxo Jr.

I’m famous. More than a billion people have seen me. You could say that I’m a worldwide icon.

And yes, I’m being completely serious.

When all of you go see the new Pixar film “Ratatouille” tomorrow, and you WILL go see “Ratatouille” tomorrow, a certain object will appear, nay, hop on screen. As you settle into your seat, the Pixar logo will glow. The logo itself is rather plain: five black capital letters that read “PIXAR.” But just as I’m sure you’re aware, as that logo appears onscreen, a small little lamp named “Luxo Jr.” hops in and around the 3-D word, eventually squashing, and then becoming, the letter “I.”

I am that lamp.

Now, clearly, I am not literally a Luxo brand desklamp. If I was, my social life would clearly suffer. In fact, our physical differences are quite extreme: I have arms. The lamp does not. I have two legs. The lamp has but one. I have no light bulb. The lamp has a light bulb, a power cord, and an entirely metal frame.

But nevertheless, when you watch that lamp, you are, in a sense, watching me. To explain, let me take you back to 1984. The world was a different place. Brunei became a fully independent state. AT&T was broken up into 24 parts. Wikipedia was a full 15 years away from providing lazy writers with easy-to-find dates. Same goes for Match.com.

But most importantly, in 1984, I was a one-year-old, and my father worked at Pixar. To be honest, Pixar didn’t even really exist yet – Steve Jobs would buy the company away from Lucasfilm in 1986, but my dad worked there, and they were in the moviemaking business. So one day, my father brought me into the office, and when John Lasseter saw me frothing over a tennis ball, he started making a film.

“And then Tom Porter, who was a supervising technical director on Monsters, Inc.,” said Lasseter in an interview with the UK Guardian, “he came in with his baby son, and I started playing with him and laughing, you know, at how his little hand couldn’t come up over his head. I was amazed at the scale of a baby’s head to its body compared to that of an adult…. It just all came together when Ed [Catmull] said, ‘Let’s make a film.’ So I just had a natural love of bringing inanimate objects alive.”

Luxo Jr. (the movie can be found here) was finished in 1986, and was largely hailed as a watershed achievement in computer animation. It was the best example of the young medium of computer animation to be able to convey emotions, character and a story, especially with inanimate objects. It was nominated for an Academy Award, and many children appreciated the film as part of “Sesame Street.” As it was Pixar’s groundbreaking achievement, my baby lamp soon became a part of the logo, and my indelible stamp on film history was set.

Now, I realize that my influence on Pixar, moviemaking, and computer animation is minimal. I know that it is not exactly “me” on the screen before “Ratatouille,” just like it wasn’t me before “Finding Nemo,” or “Cars.” But that all said, when I see Ratatouille, and that logo comes bounding across the screen, I won’t be ashamed to be just a touch proud of my small contribution to PIXAR. It may be small and it may be insignificant, but it makes me happy, and frankly, that’s all I need.

(Slowly, my head lifts, and I stare out at you.)

Fade to black.